MY JOURNAL

There are a lot of lies around abuse.
They may not be what you think I might say.
When you've been exposed to abusive events as a baby, how would you have words for that?
We're encouraged to speak our story, so we can have clarity. And yet, how would we do that when we may have been present as small children - present with events that may have been 'out of our control' and that may have consumed us with their nastiness and horror when we couldn't reach doorhandles or walk out of a house or get to people we felt safe with?
These events may have been extreme or subtle.
And then you may have witnessed the normalisation of said events and a settling down into 'normalcy' also when you were without words and the capacity to find sane sanctums.
You may have witnessed the abuser being defended by someone else even - including those who know nothing about what happened. You may have seen things like this being ignored - even in plain daylight with dozens of people looking on and doing nothing.
You may see people complicit in abusive situations - even defend abusers in a court of law, when they know nothing about what happens when everyone else is gone.
But you know you.
There are some that also know you.
At some level we all know each other and truly we are not separate.
What happens to one of us, happens to all of us.
When we give space to ourselves to bear witness to what happened, it may help.
When we make space to see who we truly be - the vast magnificence and the glory of being - we know that nothing can harm us.
We are indestructible and fierce. We are gloriously vulnerable and yielding. We are potent and kind. We can play with the molecules of the entire universe.
And having that as a reality in our lives may take making some changes.
Why someone chooses to abuse another is an understandable preoccupation, yet it may never bear fruit.
Paying attention to the glory and beauty of you, however, now that is totally worth the space and kindness!
There are mechanisms to keeping ourselves in doubt.
When we withdraw our agreement to having that doubt for ourselves, things can change. And this is a distinct possibility for all of us.
I see a world where unkind people have created victims of potent beings.
Because they could.
Let's rise up out of doubt and be the phenomenal beings we truly be!
I am proud to say that my body and I have amazing capacities with creating much greater ease for people with coming out of the lies of abuse. And people that have received them have looked at me with faces beyond description that demonstrated so much.
Rather like the words above that only scratch the surface of this story that becomes the glory of unimpeded beauty, when you get to knowing the truth of you - that magnificent beauty of you!
I'm not altogether comfortable to write like this and yet what I see around me - the beautiful beings that are stuck in the loop that abuse can create - and the change that I know is possible - I'll shout it from the rooftops, if it means that someone amazing that has bought the lies of abuse can be freer or even completely free!
The truth is that you are glorious beyond words.
The truth is you know that.
No matter how many beings have forced you to demonstrate that wasn't true.
That doesn't stop the truth being.
You are glorious in your beauty.
You are magnificent.
And we delight in you.
What will it take for you to fully delight in you?

A tall and majestic being of other-wordly dimensions has bravely come in for a few minutes out of curiosity.
I'm getting he's curious about why we choose to live like this.
He steps in and he's looking about only for a few minutes.
And I get he's brave. He's a kind of being that's not so easily understood. It's a brave thing of him to come inside. His kind has been hounded for aeons. And I give him the space to take the peek he is looking for and leave when he likes.
Naturally, I check to see, if I am loosing the plot and it appears I have all my marbles with me.
And I'm not doubting the magnificence of his mighty presence.
I am grateful and humbled that he should choose to come inside and thereby share some of his brand of magic with me. He's a mysterious kind. And he is beyond beautiful!
Thank you for coming and responding to my questions!
I was aware of your kind only yesterday and you so kindly chose to say some kind of, "Hello!", so soon!
What are all the places I've been keeping to the hidden places, that I can allow to unfurl now?
And what about you?
Is now the time?

There's something beautiful about awareness, even when it's super tough to be aware.
Yesterday, I knew I'd be going on a walk.
That's a beautiful thing.
Somehow, even though the walk was happening later than I thought it might have done and I made myself a bit wrong for being a bit slow at getting it together. The only time the walk was ever going to happen.
On the way, I swung by the local shop and bought a cheese roll.
Now, I feel uncomfortable about eating cheese.
I have quite a lot of awareness about what happens to make cheese and I'm noticing trickiness about my body choosing it. And being in as much allowance as possible and watching the lot.
So, off I trundled in the drizzle, down the country lane and following the energy. Yes, this way!....Aha! This way... Ok, we're going this way. And enjoying the increased presence I've been getting from the sessions I've recorded lately and the Bars and body processes that followed, the communion I've been having with Vishnu and crystals and nature spirits and other entities. Everything is vaster in my consciousness.
And I notice that in the field I'm about to walk into are cows.
There is a fleeting acknowledgement that I have a cheese sandwich and it feels like I'm about to sit in the field and eat the sandwich with the cattle.
My attention is drawn to a grassy mini mound I'm going to sit on. And the cows are a bit of a distance from me. I'm flooded, as usual, with awareness about the food chain and various other energetic things. And I'm aware of other things too - what my body is aware of and a myriad of other things, not least the pleasure of being out in nature, enjoying the company of trees and the absence of people and noticing developments in my world.
Telepathically, I commune with the cows and ask them what awareness they can share with me about the food industry and how do they feel about my cheese roll. I immediately get a flood of delight that I'm about to eat cheese - from them. They are really happy I'm going to eat it and they encourage me. All the while they carry on eating the grass.
I do what I do and appreciate them, receive them and wonder if they'll notice. Of course they do straight away (I receive that energetically), but they carry on munching the grass. Then one of them notices something unusual about me and looks straight at me. I've had some amazing experiences with cattle before and I wonder what might happen here, sitting on my grassy knoll in the fine drizzle. The look continues with a lot of gentleness and curiosity.
Then the others notice that this one has spotted something out of the usual and in twos and threes they join in. Then they're all looking and they begin to move towards me. Do I move? They're big and I have been chased by a bull once and more slowly by a herd of bullocks. There's nothing to fear, so I remain open to them and receive them still, as they draw closer and closer. They're curious and asking themselves questions about me and increment by increment their choice to fully engage with me increases.
They're smelling the oils I've put on my skin, they're sensing my energy and more. And I am noticing a load of things about them. And while I'm perceiving this and the things they know and experience being cattle in relationship to humans, I am wondering if I'm making this up and know I'm not. This one shows me an experience he had very young that took him from his mother (it hurts me) and I notice how he is with it. He asks me why do you do that (take us from our mothers)? No judgment, but curiosity. I can sense what he has been through. And he's very sweet to me. Another shows me something else and another and another - all of them are showing me something and I expand my allowance and receive it all.
One has been looking at me with particular intimacy and beauty. For some time. He continues to be particularly direct and lovely - the most beautiful, shiny eyes. He shows me the image of how he's going to die and it's brutal. He has some trepidation about it and continues to be so loving and sweet and he asks me about it. I'm flooded with all the compassion that many of us have about these things and I burst into tears.
I'd already begun singing to them. That's what drew them closer - just outside arm's reach. While I've been receiving these images and sensations, I've also been receiving the beautiful way they are receiving me. It's beyond beautiful. We all know this is a wonderful moment and there won't ever be another like it.
And the one who showed me his death with so much beauty comes close enough for me to gently touch his nose. And I carry on making sound and I remember what other bullocks showed me once before - where they come from - and I sing about this place, transcending all the suffering and bringing to all of us the remembrance of beautiful origins far, far away. They appreciate that, as I do.
Some of the bullocks have moved into the next field. And then the farmer drives over the top of the hill and stops to watch what's happening. I can sense stuff there too. I motion to the cows that it's time to move on and they do.
And then I get up and continue my walk, in a still different way, along the tree embraced path with the nature spirits, choosing to be in the moment and noticing that with the things I've been doing lately, that's a lot easier.

Some amazing things happened lately.
When you know that there is more that's possible and you ask questions to peek at them and then those things start happening, you know there'll always be more possible and things begin to get really exciting.
One question I have asked before is, "What would it be like to see/experience what the entity clearing is doing that I use with clients?".
This week I got my response.
During a session of crystal healing, we managed to create a big change with my lovely client. And down from the base of her torso slid an entity for whom there was no longer room in her body. It was a very interesting looking being and really very possible to see.
And so I asked the questions I ask to create change, if it is desired and to empower the gorgeous being who was lying on my massage table to choose more, if she desired to.
So, I asked, "Who are you?", and there he was, being him.
Next I asked, "Who were you before that?", and he changed shape.
"And who were you before that?", and he changed shape again and so it continued.
And I went onto the next questions and lo and behold! He kept changing shape and I could also see that he was noticing all these changes and was asking himself some questions too. And so I continued asking questions and the awareness just grew and grew.
By the time it was the choice moment to clear the little rascal ;) , there was so much awareness going round - the entity's, the client's and mine (and maybe some other beings noticed too), it was clear that a wonderful change was possible. And we chose it!
Cleared. Gone. With the awareness that we could always choose to bring it back (yeuch!), if we desired it.
How does it get better than that?
And now what's possible that wasn't before?
Really, I'm looking forward to finding out!

Going to university was one of the best things I ever did.
For me.
It hasn't got me a better job, nor a myriad of other things that I hear people go to university for -it set my mind free. Or better still I got to see by reading papers on studies what a load of nonsense we're fed every day. And I only studied within a few areas.
My main subject became sociolinguistics, which is the study of the reasons why people use language - the sociological reasons behind linguistic choices. And it may not sound sexy, but it's an amazing subject area.

One very commonly held belief is that good grammar is good for the brain.
That somehow good grammar demonstrates that you are more intelligent than someone with less knowledge of the 'correct' use of language.
What if I told you that idea was a great big pile of doo-doo?
There's a wonderful study by a British man (Bernstein came from East London actually, if that interests you - I didn't know that and have been pronouncing his name the American way for years and that's going to revert to the European way now I know that.) in New York. Reading this paper had a big impact on me.

Bernstein formulated one of the best studies I ever read.
I mean, it was a brilliant construction and that makes all th difference to what sort of results a study is going to get. ( A lot of papers -the majority - I read were set up to come out with an outcome in mind, it was clear to me. )

He interviewed children in the least privileged area in New York, New York and another groups/s where education was more highly prized.

In this very well-known study, Bernstein asked the children some really interesting questions. When he asked them on the subject of philosophy - about the concept of God - it was very clear - so startlingly obvious what a hindrance good language is. In the study, those with good language struggled to get across one or two points within a sentence. But the children who were using language more creatively could get across ten ideas for those one or two. Not being limited by good language was demonstrably better for one's intelligence.

So, while I love language - and I do! All of it - I know its limitations and I do not consider myself brighter because I have good language skills. I do, however, know that good language gives me status. And that is a distinct advantage. But let's not pretend good language makes us more intelligent or makes us look more intelligent because that is very much not the case. And I have interesting points of view about people who do think they're more intelligent, because they speak better English.
It's all about what you say.

How you say it is a choice.

And we often choose a language style that denotes the group of people we'd like to be identified with.
So when we teach our children good language, we are giving them an advantage in society - we may be more respected with good language and we may be rejected by others because of the same language choices, which can be a distinct disadvantage. But it has nothing at all to do with intelligence.
Not one single sausage to do with intelligence. That is innate. The question is do we choose to educate our children into the societal norms or keep them free to express all their ideas and awareness?
So, I wonder, what ideas and awarenesses have we had but not recognised, simply because our language had impeded our natural flow?
What would it be like, if we allowed all of them to flow to us and through us, so we could embrace more of who we really are and what we really know?
And what do we know that is way beyond the reach of language that we haven't yet acknowledged?
And what would life be like if we had command over much, much more of ourselves?
And what magic would that create in the world?